It’s been quite a while since my last blog post, even though I promised myself I would write at least five times per week (yeah, right). In between finals, thesis-ing, living with roommates, taking care of my dogs and my 7th anniversary, I just haven’t had the energy.
I also haven’t been writing because my mind hasn’t been in a good place (hence the title). At least, I know technically that it isn’t in a good place, but truly it’s hard to see that given how great I feel. I’ll explain.
I keep making diet plans. 1100 calories, 1200 calories, 1500 calories per day, this much exercise, 200 pushups per week, 300 next week, no sugar, more water, more sleep, less sleep. Every time I write out a new diet plan, it’s like taking a hit of cocaine (I think). Few things make me feel more in control, more elated, more motivated than creating a plan. All of a sudden I’m no longer having to wallow in my miserable, helpless fatness, because I have a plan.
Let’s be clear; it’s not the dieting itself that feels great, it’s just planning the diet. When it comes to actually restricting (and bingeing and obsessing and spitting out food), suddenly things feel less playful. But it always comes back to the pleasure of planning the next weight-loss adventure. It’s thinking that FINALLY, this time is it. This time I’ll stick to my rigorous plan and lose the weight. It’s what makes “full recovery” so difficult, and it’s why I’ve been staying away from the computer.