Okay, first: What’s up with my fruit?
Oranges are bright, sweet, tangy– just like recovery, or at least its end goals, could be. But they’re a labor-intensive thing to eat. They sting the undersides of your fingernails and leave a flowery smell in the room for hours. I personally hate the effort involved in eating oranges, but I still try, on occasion, to reap the sweet rewards. Often, I give up halfway.
Recovery’s been like that for me. I started experiencing disordered eating/eating disorders when I was 12, which has included restriction, compulsive exercise, bingeing, and CS (chew-spit). I began a more “formal” recovery in 2012 but since then have watched as my disordered behaviors morphed, again and again, into full-blown disorders. I can’t count the number of times I’ve relapsed. I can’t count the number of times I’ve succeeded.
That’s why I’ll never make claims that “today is the day” or “I’m serious this time,” because I won’t ever believe myself. For me, recovery is eternal. It’s bitter and stringy and hard to peel apart, and it’s sweet and floral and beautiful. And I’ll probably only ever get halfway through. That’s fine.
…Oh, and here’s another quick half-orange story. At one point in college while I was struggling with cutting, my therapist at the time suggested that I freeze oranges and when an urge to cut struck, to grip the oranges and allow the sting and the cold to quell my desire. Often I would take my half-eaten oranges and pop them in the freezer for this purpose. Every time I’d open the freezer looking for ice cream or frozen sausages, I’d find it morbidly hysterical that there was a collection of half-eaten, frozen oranges sitting in a line. They were a promise that if I was in danger of myself, I could find relief in some awkwardly frozen fruit.
So that, for me, is what’s up with my fruit. If you’re looking for a cut-and-dry success story, you won’t find that here, but I hope you will find stories that you recognize as your own, rants that will make you rethink a few things, and encouragements that will help you push through harder moments, whatever those may be.
P.S. I know the cover photo is of grapefruit. To make a long story short, it’s what I’ve got to work with without upgrading to Premium.
Welcome to Half-Eaten Oranges!